Over My Head

by Siobhan Knight
29 Aug 2012 13:54 (updated 29 Aug 2012 13:55) | 0 comment(s)

Today was hard. I don't just mean the work I put in because that was hard too. The ballet class and warm-up in the morning are nothing like the routines we go through at Julliard. It's intensive and it calls on everything that I've ever learned (and a whole bunch of stuff I probably wouldn't be able to do so well if I hadn't been dancing since I could walk.) It was hard because, those other dancers? They're good. Like cream of the crop, star quality good.

I have never felt so out of my league in my life. I've never seen such a great set of dancers working together the way they do except when I've watched performances by the NYC National Ballet. In the back of mind, I've known what goes into such a thing, I've been part of it on a miniature scale, but actually living it and experiencing it first hand is different. Working with and seeing people who just click so well together? Fucking unnerving.

I think the only reason I didn't spend ten minutes there and run out crying was because I took Brooke's advice and cast a calming spell on myself before going.

I'm the youngest one there, too, and I can just imagine that they're wondering what this young half-trained ballet dancer is doing there. They're not the only ones.

I really wanted to talk to Jenna and Pres about it. I tried a few times but couldn't bring myself to do it. They've got their musical and they're so busy and Jenna is so happy (and I'm happy for her) and I really don't want to bring them down with my issues.

I'm going to call Harper. Just to talk and hear his voice. I don't want to bawl to him on the phone, but just hearing his voice sometimes calms me down.

Talking to Harper helped, a little. I mean, I'm always glad to talk to him, even if it's a catch-22 where it's good to hear from him but it does make me miss him a little more. He always knows what to say and can make me smile.

I'm good enough to be there. I wouldn't have been accepted otherwise. I'm just not up to their caliber and I'm going to have to work at that. I don't want to be the one that screws it up, so I'm going to take the extra practice time and really work at this.

Going to take a bath and get some sleep. Making it an early day tomorrow.


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