by Siobhan Knight
21 Jul 2012 04:58 (updated 21 Jul 2012 04:58) | 0 comment(s)
IC Date: July 19, 2012 — Evening
Have you ever said or done something and looked over it or remembered it later and not recognized yourself?
Yeah, that's me.
I read my last blog entry and it was like reading something written by a stranger, except not. I mean, the feelings were there and they were raw. Like an oozing open sore, which is a pretty gross analogy but it works. I had so much going in my head, so much anger, hurt and frustration that I just spilled it onto the pages without editing or self-censure.
That's what a journal is for though, right? No self-censure. No filters, just say what you feel and think as it comes to you.
Even if it scares you and you might not know who you are anymore.
Funny thing is? The feelings? They were real and they were off the scale and out of control. I remember how I felt as I was writing that. I remember how hurt I was; how hurt I still am when I think about those few minutes when Jenna made me feel like my world was coming tumbling down around me.
I remember how offended I was when Quin's friend laughed. How much it made me angry and made me want to verbally rip her a new one. How much it still offends me that she laughed and made light of the situation and everyone there seemed to condone the laughter, and I was in the wrong for being hurt and upset by it.
How much it hurt when Quin made it clear that he thought I was a threat.
So, the feeling weren't wrong. They're still there, just not as blinding and overwhelming anymore.
The scariest thing is that I've looked it from the inside and the outside and from all sorts of angles and I don't know why I felt everything the way that I did. It scares me to think that I have some hidden hair trigger that makes me go from pissed off to She Hulk, even if it is only on paper.
It scares me because I really kinda liked She Hulk.
I wanted to ask my mother if she's ever been that upset where she started thinking not good thoughts regarding her spells and her magic. I didn't because I don't want her to know I did. I don't want it getting back to The Coven or Regina.
They'll blame the sorcerer part of me, and I don't know that they would be wrong. It seems like that part of me gets a little stronger every day. Now that I'm more aware of it, I can feel that difference inside of me. The witch on one side and the sorcerer on the other. It's like yin and yang, one part calm and focused, the other chaotic and fiery.
I broke another crystal when I wrote that journal entry.
No, broke is wrong. I pulverized it. It turned to powder in my pocket.
Powder.
I guess it's good that I'm channeling the power there when I'm emotional. I'm not sure what the fallout would have been if that had gone into the house. Power loss, maybe. Maybe an electrical fire. Yeah, that would have been fun to explain.
I've been kind of quiet because I don't want to think too much. I really didn't want to go back to that dark, twisty place that I was in Tuesday night. It's funny but that was submerged, just kind of buried while I was with Harper. I really didn't think, and the hurt wasn't so bad and the anger wasn't so bitter. I didn't write that until he left for the night.
I've said it before, but I wasn't sure how truthful I was being or if it was just wishful thinking, but I know now. Harper soothes me. Just being close to him is calming and soothing. Sure, I'm a neurotic emotional volcano waiting to go off any time, but somehow he makes it all better. He makes me handle it and process it normal.
Cliche as it might sound, he really is my other half. My better half.
So, where am I now?
Tired. Still hurt, but mostly for Jenna. Disappointed. Anxious.
I'm disappointed in Quin. I was harsh in my last entry, but … no, he wasn't dating Jenna. Yes, she told him that she wanted to figure out what she wanted. And that's great if he wanted to date around, he has that right. No one expected him to wait in the wings, but rubbing his new friend and relationship in Jenna's face? Not cool.
Maybe I didn't give his friend a fair shake, but I'm adult enough to admit that I'm a bitch. She was in the wrong place at the wrong time. She is in the wrong place at the wrong time. Solidarity. Chicks before dicks. Right here, right now, on paper? I'm willing to be honest: I love Jenna too much to warmly embrace the woman who became the competition that Jenna didn't even know she had. Maybe it's not fair, but that's how I feel.
If she's Quin's girlfriend, fine. I'll play nice if I have to. I've done it before, with how many of Harper's girlfriends? It's not a hard role to pull off, but it feels a little like she's the interloper. Like all of us were just getting comfortable together and finding our groove and fate upset the apple cart by dropping this wolf chit into the mix.
Maybe Quin and Jenna weren't a good match, but they should have been able to find that out.
No it's not Wolf Girl's fault (and I honestly don't know her name), and I am annoyed with Quin. He told me that he hadn't given up on Jenna and that he was going to come back and figure things out. I want to believe that he believed it when he left, and that it was his wolf instincts or something and not just that Wolf Girl was willing to attach to him whereas Jenna wasn't, or she was willing to sleep with him … and I wish that he'd given a heads up so I could have prepared Jenna.
I know what she's feeling. I think everyone remembers that I dated a lot of guys, but they seem to forget that I got hurt by a few of them, too. I walked in on one of my boyfriends kissing another girl, and he wasn't even contrite about it. He treated me like I was the problem and his actions were perfectly legit. People forget Anderson. I haven't forgotten Anderson or how small and rejected and 'Wasn't I good enough' feeling that I got from that.
No it's not exactly the same, but in a way, it totally is.
I'm going to go to bed. It's late. I'm going to see if I can meet up with Brooke tomorrow. I know it's short notice, but I think she's the only one right now that might understand all the emotion I was feeling. It's weird how she seems to get the sorcerer magic and power inside of me.
Especially when sometimes I don't.
