Jagged Little Pill

by Siobhan Knight
20 Jul 2012 23:14 (updated 21 Jul 2012 03:59) | 0 comment(s)

IC Date: July 17, 2012 — Evening
This blog was written following the logs Messy Misunderstandings and Soothing Words

I feel like I'm living in a soap opera or one of those prime time teen dramas that airs on the CW. You know, the ones with the good looking well off kids and absentee or token parents, and their entire lives are scripted for drama?

We've got it all, the good looking people, the wealthy families and our parents are pretty busy while we're all off doing our own things.

We couldn't script the drama any harder if we tried.

I want to say that I don't know what happened, but I do know what happened. I just don't know what to do about it.

I don't know if I should do anything about it.

I kind of want to forget that it happened. I don't want to think about how it felt to see how Jenna looked at me or to hear her tone of voice. I don't want to think about Quin acting like I was a threat. I don't want to think about how much Jenna might be hurting right now even if she's putting up a good front.
I mean, yeah, Harper talked me down, but it still smarts. I get what he said, that it was a conclusion that anyone could jump to but it still stings. I'm not that girl. I have never been that girl. I wouldn't cheat on Harper; I love him and I've waited almost my whole life for him as cliche as it sounds. He's the end of the road for me. He's The One for me. I definitely wouldn't cheat with a guy that my bestie likes. So logic or not, it hurts and I don't know when it will stop. Maybe it's not a big hurt, more like a splinter that I can't get out, but it's there and I don't know how to deal with it.

I talked to Jenna and we hugged and I forgave her and she forgave me for ignoring her and being a bitch but … it's going to be a while before I forget that sickening, sinking belly feeling that I had when I chased her down the hall. I saw my whole world just falling apart and I felt helpless and powerless to do anything about it.

Is it really such a surprise that Wolf Girl's laughter set me off? Everything was out of control, Jenna was out of my reach and no one needed that.

I didn't need that. God, I didn't even care that she was hanging off of Quin except for the fact where a tiny little part of me knew what it would do to Jenna. When she laughed, though? I wanted to tell her to shut the fuck up. There I was, half-naked and wet and I wanted to tell her to shut her fucking face or get the hell out and I still was nice. I still was able to just tell her that she wasn't helping or something. No foul language, nothing like that.

Somehow that was wrong? Not wanting to be laughed at when I was already hurting and Jenna was hurting was wrong? She was right to laugh and I was wrong to tell her that she was being rude, and that made me the she devil? Quin wrapping his arms around her was a smack in the face to Jenna. It was insulting.

It hurt.

I'm a fucking witch sorcerer. If I'd wanted to hurt her, I could have with a few words or gestures. I could have suffocated her or given her a bloody nose or slammed them both into the wall if I wanted to.

I just didn't want her laughing. Yeah, I guess I've got issues with that. I'm a dancer, I should have thicker skin, but I spent too many days being laughed at when I was ugly and twelve and too damn shy to do anything about it. Guess what? I have my triggers. Yay for finding them. Sorry if it offends your little girlfriend and your sensibilities, Mr. Anger Management Issues. Or did a good fuck take care of it?

Yes, I'm pissy. And I'm bitchy. Better to do it here than to Quin's face because I like Quin. I really want to think that there's some explanation. That his wolf instincts and hormones got away from him but … there's no excuse for rubbing Jenna's nose in it like that. None. He knew Jenna was coming over. He knew she would be there when he got home.

If I didn't know better I'd think the wolf bitch was a witch who did something to him. Except then I have to remember that guys are dicks and they think with their dicks and sometimes their dicks make them do stupid things.

I just thought Quin was better than that. Maybe using your dick wakes it up and then it takes over.

I know what Harper would tell me. He'd tell me that I'm not being fair. That I don't know that Quin slept with Wolf Girl. I don't, but I talked to Jenna and she has her instincts and the things that she senses. And in hindsight? If he didn't fuck her? He came damn close or plans to do it. I don't even hang off of Harper like that. We don't have that vibe. People say that you can't tell if someone is screwing or not, but you can. There's a vibe. A way they move and interact. It's like flashing neon signs that say 'We're fucking like bunnies, ye-ah baby' flashing over their heads.

I know. I've seen it. I saw it with Jesse and Mia, Jesse and Tabitha, Jesse and Rona and yeah, I could go on but it makes me want to shrivel Jesse's dick up to pinky size and I'm pretty sure that Regina would tell me those are thoughts I shouldn't be entertaining. I refused to see it or to admit what I was seeing, but it was there. I was stupid.

Moving on before I really do shrivel Jesse's dick up.

The worse part is? Even the laughter aside? Right now, I really do want to punch someone. For Jenna's sake. Because she's innocent and she's trusting and she's sweet and naive and there's a whole lot of reasons she hasn't done a lot of dating. For the first time she opened up and was willing to give it a shot, and all she wanted was a chance to get to know Quin and Chance better because she didn't know if she wanted to get serious.

Quin even told me that he hadn't written her off.

I guess he has now.

I should go to the gym. Hit the treadmill or the rowing machine. Writing is supposed to make me feel better, but it's just making my shoulders tense and make me think bad thoughts.

The kindest of which are giving Quin and Wolf Girl magical genital itching.

The worst of which is making him impotent and her frigid.

Or just making them repulsive to one another on touch. There's a spell for substance abuse. I bet it works on people.

I should stop now. I'm scaring myself.


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