by Quin
19 Jul 2012 13:35 (updated 19 Jul 2012 13:35) | 0 comment(s)
I have absolutely no idea what is going on. What happened. I was here and I don't even know.
There's a DM saved on my phone. I typed it out, to Jenna, but I haven't actually pressed 'send' yet. I don't know if I should. It's not out of me being stubborn, but more because I honestly don't know if it's a smart idea or not. The last thing I want is her freaking out more, or outright going off on me.
I have typed up an email and sent it to her mother. I'm going to find council elsewhere, if my petition to no longer have council is denied. I'm honestly only going to her because the state deems it necessary, but it's been ten years since my family was killed. I don't have any lingering psychological issues to be worried about. Oh, sure, I'm completely hopeless with people sometimes, but I think I'd be that way even if the attack never happened. I'm not hiding the fact of why I'm parting ways with her, either. I simply stated it as complications due to personal issues. I'm sure she'll figure it out, but hopefully she won't say anything to Jenna.
I'm not going to recap what happened here. I don't even want to write it all down. It's not going to help me think through it all. It literally was a series of events that were all misread and next thing you know everyone's upset and our kitchen is a mess.
Hopefully I can catch up with Chance and see how the others are doing. I'm not afraid of talking to them, I'm afraid of losing their friendship. Which kind of sucks since I had a great time away and this is what I get the very second I walk into the door to my own home.
I won't apologize for anything that's happened in Vegas. I don't know where Kay and I stand and I'm not going to press the issue right now. I'm content and really that should be important. Jenna was the one who wanted to just date, and date more than one person. I can't do that. I didn't do anything to spite her, but the hope that one day she might find me more desirable than anyone else isn't exactly enough to keep me holding on.
Is that fair to her? I don't even know. I don't even know who I can rightfully ask. Shiv would say that it isn't. I don't know what Chance would say. I want to ask if it is fair to me. But I'm the big strong man. I'm not supposed to have these sensitive feelings or whatever.
All I know is that I have a gorgeous woman asleep in my bed right now. She makes me happy. I have no idea what's going to happen with that. It could all be done tomorrow for all I know, but I'm not going to worry about it. There's no point in doing that. She doesn't seem to mind my semi clingy side when we're alone. At least she didn't in Vegas. That's more what I'm looking for, not someone who can't tell if they really like me.
So no, I'm not going to apologize for anything that I've done.
What I am going to do, however, is try to actually get some sleep. I still haven't actually fallen asleep. I woke up at five am pacific standard time, spent the entire day away, caught a redeye that I couldn't sleep on, and here it is hours later and I'm too anxious to sleep. Damn that woman. Women.
I'll likely just be staring at the ceiling for a while, but I'm not going to disturb Kay. She should at least get some sleep before I start tearing apart the kitchen.
And it's ironic that I was fully expecting to come home and write about all the good things that happened while I was away. Most of it really doesn't even matter anymore.
