Hairy Issues


19 Jul 2012 13:35  |  by Quintin Bruning
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I have absolutely no idea what is going on. What happened. I was here and I don't even know.

There's a DM saved on my phone. I typed it out, to Jenna, but I haven't actually pressed 'send' yet. I don't know if I should. It's not out of me being stubborn, but more because I honestly don't know if it's a smart idea or not. The last thing I want is her freaking out more, or outright going off on me.

I have typed up an email and sent it to her mother. I'm going to find council elsewhere, if my petition to no longer have council is denied. I'm honestly only going to her because the state deems it necessary, but it's been ten years since my family was killed. I don't have any lingering psychological issues to be worried about. Oh, sure, I'm completely hopeless with people sometimes, but I think I'd be that way even if the attack never happened. I'm not hiding the fact of why I'm parting ways with her, either. I simply stated it as complications due to personal issues. I'm sure she'll figure it out, but hopefully she won't say anything to Jenna.

I'm not going to recap what happened here. I don't even want to write it all down. It's not going to help me think through it all. It literally was a series of events that were all misread and next thing you know everyone's upset and our kitchen is a mess.

Hopefully I can catch up with Chance and see how the others are doing. I'm not afraid of talking to them, I'm afraid of losing their friendship. Which kind of sucks since I had a great time away and this is what I get the very second I walk into the door to my own home.

I won't apologize for anything that's happened in Vegas. I don't know where Kay and I stand and I'm not going to press the issue right now. I'm content and really that should be important. Jenna was the one who wanted to just date, and date more than one person. I can't do that. I didn't do anything to spite her, but the hope that one day she might find me more desirable than anyone else isn't exactly enough to keep me holding on.

Is that fair to her? I don't even know. I don't even know who I can rightfully ask. Shiv would say that it isn't. I don't know what Chance would say. I want to ask if it is fair to me. But I'm the big strong man. I'm not supposed to have these sensitive feelings or whatever.

All I know is that I have a gorgeous woman asleep in my bed right now. She makes me happy. I have no idea what's going to happen with that. It could all be done tomorrow for all I know, but I'm not going to worry about it. There's no point in doing that. She doesn't seem to mind my semi clingy side when we're alone. At least she didn't in Vegas. That's more what I'm looking for, not someone who can't tell if they really like me.

So no, I'm not going to apologize for anything that I've done.

What I am going to do, however, is try to actually get some sleep. I still haven't actually fallen asleep. I woke up at five am pacific standard time, spent the entire day away, caught a redeye that I couldn't sleep on, and here it is hours later and I'm too anxious to sleep. Damn that woman. Women.

I'll likely just be staring at the ceiling for a while, but I'm not going to disturb Kay. She should at least get some sleep before I start tearing apart the kitchen.

And it's ironic that I was fully expecting to come home and write about all the good things that happened while I was away. Most of it really doesn't even matter anymore.

Vegas Bound

07 Jul 2012 18:59  |  by Quintin Bruning
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I have absolutely no idea what's going on in my life anymore.

Jenna came over for her cooking lesson. Things were really going well. The food was prepped perfectly. It was smelling so good. And then it ended up on the floor, all over Jenna and even on me. I think I burned my hands catching a fresh from the burner pot but that wasn't an issue or anything. All of that was actually fun.

There's the fact that I kissed her. That I really kissed her. I asked permission first but I still did it. It was right before the full moon and all I could think about was her. Her beauty, the wonderful scent she carries, how much I just wanted to kiss her. I let it win. I don't think she complained though. I hope not. I really hope she doesn't get upset at me for it.

She used the shower to clean up. That's not an issue. It isn't as if we don't have plenty of extra towels and whatnot. I guess she went into Chance's room to change and he walked in on he while she was wearing a towel. I don't see what the issue is but she did, and that's what matters. She ran out. I couldn't face her because I feel like it's my fault. I always tend to screw things up.

I saw her on the holiday. I nearly didn't go due to the full moon the night before. I showed up and some cousin of Chance's was a total tool. I'm pretty sure I at least fractured his jaw, maybe caused him a tooth or two. And he deserved it. No one deserves to be treated as he treated everyone. I don't care if he's mean to me, but he seemed to try and suck up to me. I don't know if it's my muscles or who I am. I'm depending on the latter, and that just plain pisses me off. By the time I dove into the water to get Jenna out I was just done. I got her on the boat and things seemed to be settled but then it seemed as if the boat was spitting water at us.

I don't even know how to describe all of that. Nearly naked Jenna, upset Jenna, upset Shiv, asshole insulting everyone. Jenna's an empath which means her brother probably is. (I need to talk to the Prof. about that to find out more.) Lake rain wasn't magic, was something else. Jenna tended to ignore everything that happened. I feel asleep. It all seems like a blur. So much happened and yet I couldn't really do much about it at all. I should speak with Shiv. I really should talk to Jenna.

Ended up getting some cream to help my scar. Purposely waited until after the full moon because I didn't want to be tempted to do anything too unlike me around Kay. I'm pretty sure she was flirting with me. I also think she likes touching my chest. I don't understand that but I won't argue. For some unknown reason I invited her to Vegas and she actually agreed. So she'll be my date, so to speak. I both like this idea and think it's bad at the same time.

Some vampire gave her a card for a security company I've never heard of and said she can get in touch with the Alpha that way. That doesn't sound right at all. I'll investigate that when I get back from Vegas. Just in case. I don't want to miss the game.

She followed me to work. And stayed the whole night. The entire night. I think I dropped her off at her home at around seven am. The guys were extremely jealous. I have to admit that she was looking really good. I can't tell if I really like her or if it's just a physical attraction. This werewolf male versus female thing. But I really do enjoy being around her.

I don't think Jenna and I are dating. I don't know if we are or not. It's confusing. It's not like I know what people are supposed to do when they date. But I started to try and be committed even if I probably shouldn't have. That's what it means when people kiss, isn't it? I'd ask Chance but he'd laugh at me. I just need to know where I stand so I don't do anything to hurt anyone. The last thing I want to do is hurt anyone.

I should talk to Jenna.

Werewolf in... the kitchen

02 Jul 2012 18:45  |  by Quintin Bruning
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Today is the day that we sacrifice our kitchen to the almighty Jenna.

Okay, okay. So I don't think it's going to be that bad. I'm pretty confident that she's just talking herself down to either get out of it, or have me be pleasantly surprised. I eat almost everything so I don't have to worry about the latter. She seems to be looking forward to it, I think. I'm probably looking too far into it.

I'm starting to lose track of the amount of people lately who accuse me of internalizing too much or not being overly forward with my responses. Well, duh. That has been my trademark since practically the day I was born. I get the feeling that they all blame it on what happened with my family. Don't get me wrong; that's part of it. But I've always been this way. Not that anyone I know now I knew back then.

So I told Chance about Mikayla over a drink the other night. I somehow get the feeling that to him, seeing a random naked girl means I should have taken advantage of the situation (not of her). He has no idea what it feels like when I run across another of my own, let alone when they actually are pretty. It's not me though. I think I'd much rather he be clothed than I would even consider anything else.

I'm glad I ran into her when I did. I want to go take her up on the offer for some sort of ointment to help my scar. I know it won't work miracles but even if it does something it's better than nothing. I have to hold out until the end of the week, or next week though. I have to.

The full moon is tomorrow night. I go through the same thing every month; you'd think I'd be used to it by now. I get so anxious, so agitated. The anger flares, the temper, the… hormones. It is a little different this time, but I fully believe it's because of this charm that Siobhan was nice enough to make for me. Still, it's only going to do so much. I keep trying to stay active, to preoccupy myself.

Jenna's coming over.

It'll be difficult but I'll put on the best face. I can make it to tomorrow, I know I can. Then I'll quietly slip away and no one will know.

The Holiday is on Wednesday.

I'll be spending time with the group. On a boat. Having been up all night doing I have no idea what. Chance is aware, and I've already let Shiv know, too. I don't know what I'll be like but it'll be good to have those who know, actually know. I really hope I don't do anything stupid.

It's been a little while since I've been around anyone but Chance. If I were a gambling man, I'd put money on Harper and Shiv getting closer. Or that's what I'd want to happen, anyway. I don't know. Ever since I've been wearing this charm I feel like I'm closer to her. That I can open up to her. My immediate response is to hate it, but I know that's not the smart way to think. That it isn't how I actually think, but some sort of defense mechanism. I simply is friendship, nothing more, but that doesn't mean that I don't want the best for her. I think that is Harper.

Part of me has this feeling that Chance and Jenna will be getting together. Chance might say it's the negative side to me. He may be right. Something's going on there. I don't know how she felt when she found out that we're actually roommates, but there almost seemed to be reservations about coming over due to it. She says she doesn't want an audience. I'm skeptical.

Hell, I'm always skeptical. Which needs to stop. I can't even figure out what I want to do with my life. I shouldn't be trying to figure out the lives of everyone else.

Coach is still trying to encourage me to consider going pro. I'm being scouted. I know I'm being scouted. Hell, I watch ESPN. I know what's said about me. Part of me would feel so guilty playing the system, so to speak, but then I ask myself: How many people in the pros are like me? It could be that I'm not alone.

In theory I could still work for what I want in the off-season. There's nothing saying that I can't still do everything I want. It just is a completely different avenue than I had originally mentioned.

I'm proud of what I want to accomplish in life. I haven't mentioned it to the girls yet. They seem to be set on more in their lives. It seems weak in comparison. But I'm not ashamed. I just might be proud in silence. The whole internalizing thing that I'm guilty of.

There's no guarantee that I'll actually make it to or in the pros anyway. I don't see what harm there is in trying.

Life was simpler when I was just a spoiled rotten child with a horrible temper and father issues.

I should probably finish cleaning up since Jenna will be here before long. Not that I haven't cleaned everything multiple times anyway.

Did I do that?

25 Jun 2012 14:49  |  by Quintin Bruning
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Saturday was a day that could have gone in so many different directions, and it honestly did. I still can't tell if we're all a bunch of good friends, or people who just get easily stressed out around each other.

I did get a good gift out of the whole thing. Siobhan made it for me. She had to have put a lot of work into it, and I seem to recall it was a late night for her due to it. I don't know that I really deserve it, but I'll keep it on me at all times. Unless, of course, I want to draw on my anger. Though honestly it's a great thing to have around those two.

I think something happened between Shiv and Jenna's twin brother, Harper. I don't know for sure. I wasn't able to hear or smell them, which I suspect is due to some sort of magic. I wouldn't want to eavesdrop anyway so I don't mind, but she seemed much happier whenever it was all over. I don't know Harper, but aside from his love for chili cheese fries, he honestly seems like a great person. I'd be okay with something happening between the two of them because I don't think that she would find anyone else to better care for her. That's just my thoughts, I could be completely wrong.

Clearly I don't exactly know much about relationships.

Jenna seemed to be able to relax and have a good time, too. Though I can't tell if she's going to end up with my roomy or not. Chance is an alright guy and I'd have his back for anything. I just honestly don't want to see her underwear in our living room. As much as I don't want to, I think that I really like her. Of course I only don't want to because she has no idea what I am and will likely be scared away by that. Then there's the whole Pack thing to contend with. Anyway, she'd probably be happier with him, I just don't want to know about it. And I feel guilty as hell for that.

I wonder how long it will be until they figure out that we room together? That could get interesting.

In the meantime, my coach is really pushing the whole NFL thing. I know that social services doesn't sound like a glamorous lifestyle. Hell, Saturday I made a point not to mention it due to everyone else seemingly having fun and amazing careers waiting for them. I'm kind of the odd guy out on that whole branch of life. I don't know, though. On one hand, I've dedicated my life to being successful and helping the Pack, which I could easily do with a pro contract. But I'd feel like I was cheating, and not just in the sport.

The best part is? I don't even know how much of this I can actually discuss with anyone, especially my therapist.

Maybe this journal thing wasn't a bad idea after all.

Working hard for the money...?

15 Jun 2012 14:33  |  by Quintin Bruning
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I tried like seven times yesterday to pick this damn thing back up and write in it. Each time I damn near shredded it again. To keep journal costs to a minimum I've decided to only pick up a pen when I think I can actually do so calmly.

Shiv seems to think that she can help me with my anger issues. If only she knew what it was like. It isn't even like this was just some sudden change. Anger has been my life. Still, I'm going to let her try. I like the fact that she's worried enough to do so.

It's weird. People that seem to actually care. I have people that like me because I'm a big football star. I have people that like me because I'm that poor, hopeless kid who lost his family. But other than my roommate, I don't really ever see many real friends. And I sometimes wonder if we get along just because we each have our own secrets but really don't care. I don't know.

Twitter is the devil. I don't know how seriously people take me on there sometimes, and sometimes I think they read far too much into what I'm saying. I'll still use it, of course, as I'm a slave to social media just like most people in this generation. But I'm really going to have to be careful with the girls. I can't tell if I've put them both off, or encouraged them, or both.

I should have more complicated things to worry about in my life other than feelings. Feelings can go straight to hell. So I'll just focus on the things that were important before meeting these two.

Like a job. Yes, I have a job. A bouncer. It's all because of Jenna. I have a feeling it will work out, considering the generous pay and offer for advanced training in other areas. Then again I have a feeling they won't mind having a werewolf around to quickly and quietly deal with any potential threats. This could be a good step. At least until graduation.

I know I've been scouted a few times for the NFL. I feel bad enough as it is playing for the school. Grad school should be the way to go, I think.

Now I need to think of what all of what I said I can /actually/ tell Misses Donovan when I see her. Not much, likely.

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